SEVEN Things Never to Do in a Marriage

DON'T TAKE YOUR SPOUSE FOR GRANTED. 

      Many of us treat our spouses in ways that we would never treat others. With others, we try to be polite kind, and patient. With our spouses, we often do not show these courtesies. Ask yourself - Are you as polite, compassionate and thoughtful to your spouse as you are to a casual acquaintance? For most of us, the answer is in the negative. Why How is it that this same person that you now hardly give a second thought to unless it's invalidating - could be the same sweetheart to whom you once were so affectionate. generous and approciative Let's face it. We're all guilty of oblivion. After a time, we just seem to forget about all those small and large favors that our spouse does for us. Or, if we don't forget we just come to expect that it's part of our partner's so-called marital duties! When a marriage reaches the point at which amnesia or expectation replaces acknowledgment, then disaster is not too far off in the reckoning Start by not presupposing that those things that your spouse does for you are obligatory. Show appreciation for what your spouse does for the family. Never make your husband /wife feel that he/she is not doing good enough for the family unless, of course, he/she is truly lazy and not even trying to provide for the family.

        Good marriages require patience, kindness, humility, sacrifice. empathy, love, understanding, forgiveness and hard work .

     Always treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated.

     If you follow this rule, your marriage will have a much greater chance for success. If you discard this rule failure is just around the comer.

DON'T BLAME YOUR SPOUSE FOR EVERY LITTLE THING. 

It's very comfortable to say, "It's your mistake. It's because of you that things are so disagreeable between us. You're the reason I feel so distressed all the time. The problem with reprimanding another person is that it never solves anything and it nearly always provokes a negative reaction. When each of us blames the other, we deny our spouse the chance to think seriously about our words and to respond in a concerned fashion. Moreover, anyone who feels blamed usually answers in kind. It's human nature The result is nothing less than an all-out scuffle. Your spouse is now your adversary who you must defeat at all costs. 

      All is fair in love and war - and marriage is both. 

      So what's the remedy to the blame game? 

      Take responsibility for yourself.   

       Putting it into practice is a formidable task. It's hard to give up that feeling of being right. But the one thought that can help you overcome this craving is a simple theory - You win; the relationship loses .Remember this whenever you feel to win an argument with your spouse or blame him/her for something gone wrong

DON'T SAY YES WHEN YOU MEAN NO.

We're often apprehensive to say no to our spouse. Perhaps, we're scared that he or she will become angry. So, instead of being assertive and saying what we feel is right, we end up taking the opposite route and often feel embittered and resentful in the long run. The problem with saying yes when we mean no is that we stop being honest within the relationship and honesty is a very integral ingredient in a successful marriage. There can be no warmth in a relationship without complete honesty Everytime you're about to say no when you mean yes - remember your honesty might increase the trust in your relationship. Through complete honesty you will develop a stronger bond. If you already have a strong connection with your spouse, then your commitment to honesty will only deepen that relationship

DON T USE SILENCE AS A WEAPON. 

       Silence is a lethal weapon. It's easier to deal with a verbal argument where at least you get out what's bothering you than an icy silence where all your spouse can do is suppose how your much your spouse hates you. So, if you dont want to destroy your relationship, then you need to learn how to express resentments in a way that can be recognised and resolved - instead of adopting a silent sulk.

DON'T INTIMIDATE YOUR SPOUSE WITH PHYSICAL VIOLENCE

Never be emotionally, mentally or physically abusive to your spouse. Even the most loving marriage can degenerate into a reprehensible clash between two bitter adversaries.Verbal und physical threats and abuse sometimes become the weapons of marital conflict.

      Never threaten your spouse or act any way that alarms or intimidates your spouse. No matter how angry you are make a promise to yourself that under no circumstances whatsoever will you verbully or physically abuse your spouse. The only way your spouse will know to relieve his or her suffering will be by making you as miserable. And this will lead to complete degenerating of your relationship.

DONT PICK ON YOUR SPOUSE'S FAULTS IN THE MIDST OF AN ARGUMENT

       Be very careful what you say when you are upset.Sometimes you will say things that you would never say when you were not angry.If you are angry, wait until you calm down before continuing the conversation. Some examples of thoughtless statements are "You're a terrible father and an awful husband! You might forget about it after the mention and done with but it will play on his or her mind. It's amazing  how ingenious each of us can be when it comes to pinning down every one of our spouse's flaws what we think are their unaceptable character traits and generally difficult mannerisms. In the midst of an argument the temptation to use these facts can be overpowering and dominant. Don't do this unless you want to completely destroy your spouse's self-esteem and in tum your relationship.

 DON'T TRIANGULATE.

           A couple in antagonisms instinctively look for a third person who acts as a supportive confederate. For example, a wife who is feeling lonely and cut off from her husband might increase her involvement with the children as a way of decreasing her unhappiness - or turn them against her husband in a bid to gain their sympathy. A child in these circumstances almost always feels torn apart and on some level resentful about having to parent the parent - maybe a couple of years down the line. However, the third person in this triangle is not always one of the children. It can be a parent, a friend or a lover. The purpose of this person is to reduce the strain between the couple. For example, a man who believes that his wife has lost interest in him could possibly reduce the strain and anxiety he feels by indulging in an affair. Until his wife finds out, the level of conflict between them will most likely subside - as his needs are fulfilled once more albeit by a third party.

         He or she also might shift loyalty to his/her mother who then becomes the confidant and advisor - often at the expense of the marriage. 

       As long as there are triangles, it's impossible for a couple to deal directly with whatever is the source of their problem.

____Jasmeen Dugal